Internal Lies Read online

  Life

  Caring for others

  When struck with lightning

  Freedom lost

  Her mind needs whitening

  Proceeding forward

  Without any hope

  It’s a matter of time

  Before she can’t cope

  Mundane and broken

  Life could seem less

  Her baffled conscious

  A chaotic mess

  Huddled knees

  To her small frame

  Awaiting amazement

  Fortune and fame

  She lit a cigarette blatantly. Pulling on it with all her might as she hoped it would soothe her. Standing in the back yard she watched the magpies flitter, pecking at the grass to catch their prey. Today they would be in luck, considering the clouds were grey and meek, and the ground drenched with God’s sorrowful cries, as if he cried the tears Kat held. The tears that played violins in her ears. Violins mocking her to the very core and wilted garden roses dying from the harsh conditions that forced them to surrender. Such a bleak day for a bleak person.

  As a short, petite girl, and long blonde hair, Kat was considered an attractive young lady however, enjoys her casual clothing of leggings and tops or buttoned t-shirts. Her makeup would consist of basic foundation, mascara and pencilled in eyebrows. She is 20 years of age and lives is a house of north-west England which her mother owns. Of course, she lives with her mother and resides in a small room with a single bed. It was just the two of them in the three-bedded house where they owned two cats. One was called Molly, a black and white American Shorthair and a ginger tabby named Arnold. Her mother was a short, stocky woman whose hair was a dark brunette at shoulder length with a full fringe that trimmed her face. She often wore t-shirts, jeans, and her white Adidas sneakers. Her brown eyes were solemn yet stern and she often averted jewellery.

  Kat has a brother called Damien and a father. She never sees her father due to personal reasons and her brother visits the home rarely to see their mother. Kat and Damien say very little to each other, mostly nothing at all. It’s as if to each of them that the other does not exist.

  Kat had decorated her room with dream catchers, a mural of a forest with a red border embellished with Chinese characters, and crystals to represent her spiritual side. She had a deep love for ethnic things and angelic ornaments. Although, lately Kat seems to have lost interest in all things she once loved.

  Kat flicked the ash from the end of her cigarette and it crumbled to the floor, gliding away as the wind swept it. Blonde strands of hair clinging to the left side of her face and her t-shirt inflating, causing her to shiver. Another day, another dollar she thought. Another night shift was at hand. Kat worked in a care home. She had enjoyed looking after people, and enjoyed making a difference. However, she did not enjoy the corruption of the company that she worked for. She did not enjoy the feelings it arose within her and the fear from the threats people would make with their wild plays of tit for tat. In fact, Kat longed for a new job, the same role perhaps but a different place yet, she’d changed jobs before only to find herself in a similar if not, worse position. It would take her time to really find something worthwhile yet, in the meantime she had to stay within this home working in fear of her world ending. In fear that her job would be jeopardised by a slight mistake or perhaps an accusation. Kat felt she deserved a new job, a new purpose. She strived for greatness and success, the only problem was that she wasn’t sure what she wanted. Nothing ever seemed drastic or big enough to fulfil this longing she had.

  Kat put out the end of her cigarette and stumbled up the creaky stairs of the house. She began washing and dressing herself ready for work in a mundane fashion. Pants, tunic, fob watch, badge, hair tied back, black shoes, and subtle make-up. Nothing felt more miserable than this. Her days had been zapped of all fun and light. However, she was coping still, going to work, and getting through each day as her mother had taught her to do. Just carry on.

  The doorbell rang. Kat’s colleague Lucy had arrived. She stumbled down the stairs and opened the door. ‘Well hello!’ Bellowed Lucy. The two of them smirked and laughed as they walked into the lounge. The sickly green of Kat’s eyes remained distant and unresponsive yet, her mouth seemed to form words and string sentences together as if everything was normal. ‘How are you?’ Asked Kat as she poured the tea delicately from the pot that blurted ‘KEEP CALM’ mockingly.

  ‘Alright… Tina is off on one again and the cat’s missing AGAIN’, Lucy claimed. Lucy began railing off all her problems to Kat about her daughter Tina, her husband, the usual issues regarding work and questions of whether Kat would help her fill out forms and clean her house. Of course, Kat liked to help people yet, with these feelings it was hard to feel energised. Difficult to feel alive in her own skin. Kat still agreed, she never knew how to let someone down unless she had other plans, and she had already used all her white lies on other ideas.

  As the sun set 19:30 came and it was time for Kat and Lucy to set off to the home. The place where mysteries lay amongst corruption, the place where misery engulfed you at the iron gate and the trees blocked out all joy. A place that would change Kat’s life forever.

  The home was pristine and picturesque, with trees shrouding the home and a great clock with roman numbers at the front ticking towards 8 PM. The gold numbers gleamed against the contrasting black of the face, the white walls complimenting the design well. The brickwork delicate as if the builders had taken their time to mend the layers with the red glaring as you walked into the grounds. Walking as the stones would crackle under your feet, warning you that nothing was quiet in this place. Cars parked in the lots as if people cared about nothing more than their appearances with Ford Focuses and Peugeots, most of these people lived within walking distance.

  Lucy and Kat approached Honey house, a nursing house where they often worked shifts together, looking after the people best they could. Kat enjoyed working with Lucy, she felt she could open up and discuss topics that she couldn’t with anyone else. It was a good friendship that they had. A friendship that had blossomed since Kat had reported other members of staff for not carrying out their manual handling properly. Lucy believed in Kat and supported her through the process. The two of them would chat about the latest news and complaints that staff would bring to them, making the night pass by quicker than expected.

  Kat was inspired by some of the residents. She felt as if they had their own remarkable philosophy. For instance, one night that Kat was working a lady named Violet had said to her ‘I just found God in this napkin!’ Violet was smiling triumphantly.

  Kat asked her ‘wow really? How did you come about that?’

  ‘Well I was just sitting here you know, minding my own business and I just so happened to find God within this napkin!’ Of course, this didn’t make sense to anyone else however, Kat simply replied, ‘Wow! Yes, I see it, I mean God created everything didn’t he and so no wonder you found him in that napkin!’ Kat smiled empathetically. The lady had adored her within that moment and kissed Kat’s forehead emphatically. ‘You are a lovely girl, so beautiful’, Violet claimed.

  ‘Thank you’, smiled Kat in response. It was moments such as these that acted as the motivation for Kat to continue her job. Feeling blessed she resided to make Violet some tea which happened to be the lady’s favourite drink. One teaspoon of sugar and a dash of milk was how she liked it, Kat would never forget her. The lady was almost one-hundred-years-old. Yet, the woman could still make a sweet sound with her singing as she had once sung amazingly in front of the Queen of England. The lady was blessed and to take care of her was even more of a blessing Kat thought.

  Despite this, at times Kat felt consumed by the place and bullied almost by other members of staff. In
the previous month, Kat had reported two members of staff for their misconduct. They had manhandled residents which caused distress for not only the residents but Kat herself as she felt that she was not caring for them properly. Thus, the members of staff had been sacked and word had gotten around that it was Kat’s fault. It caused Kat not only stress to report these incidents and attend a formal interview process with a lot of questioning, but to receive ignorance and looks that would scream ‘you’re wasteful!’. The home did not take well to snitches but liked those who would conform and agree to everything. Things didn’t seem right, it seemed that people were in their jobs for the wrong reasons. There to stay quiet, cut corners, and most of all get their wage. It was as if the term ‘Care Assistant’ was meaningless. As if caring was mocked and opposed by these people.

  At other times, residents who were not delusional would be verbally abusive too. There was one resident John, that would cause havoc. He would accuse people of stealing cigarettes, sweets, and newspapers from his room. Kat wouldn’t mind but no one ever knew which foot to stand on around this man. He would be lovely one minute then turn against you the next. Perhaps it was because he felt enclosed in this space and because the life he once lived was no longer accessible. That was the sad thing about care homes, as much as independence, autonomy, dignity, and control is promoted; residents seem to have many of their luxuries stripped away. For someone who is delusional, this is understandable but for those who are in their right mind frame, it must be difficult to accept and become adapted to. Perhaps there was more the services could provide. However, with lack of funding and the government cuts life wouldn’t get any better for service users any time soon. The government seemed careless about those in need especially considering it is powered by Tories.

  The shift started. Tea and toast were made for the residents. Assistance in putting them to bed was given and turns for those who were bed bound were done. Residents were assisted to the toilet when needed, and assistance into showers were given. Kat felt the strain of this job, her shoulders ached and her tummy rumbled. She had held in urine for twelve hours and she now felt it hurting. Nothing was new though, it was all the same routine with little change.

  The grass was coated in icicles. It was only October however, this was typical for British weather. The roofs of the houses looked as if they were glazed in icing and the world seemed purer than before. Kat wrenched the door to the house open as she stepped outside into the bitter cold. She shivered as she wheeled the trolley filled with clinical bags tied up in neat knots towards the main bins where she disposed of them. Taking off her gloves and scoping the area, she noticed two robins flying between the conifers and bluebirds nesting in the maples. Kat breathed in the fresh air and sighed. What a day she thought, one less to worry about. Soon the shift would be over and she would be able to dance her way home and sleep away her exhaustion.

  Kat made it back to the house where Lucy had made cups of tea. They stepped outside to smoke. The sun seemed to peek through two clouds and offer some warmth to the young women. They shivered as they pulled on their cigarettes hoping to gain some inner heat.

  ‘They shouldn’t have anything bad to say this morning!’ Chimed Kat

  ‘Well we’ve done everything. Bed baths, residents who want to be up are up, rooms tidy, cleaning done!’ Replied Lucy.

  ‘Yeah’, said Kat, the two of them hurried in and drank their tea before the morning staff entered the home.

  It wasn’t long before the clock ticked toward 8 AM and both Kat and Lucy were relieved from their shift. They walked in unison towards the gates that showed little rusting. The two of them hugged and said their goodbyes. Kat paced her way back to the house feeling drained and somewhat frail. She felt as if nothing could get worse yet, it wasn’t as bad as it once was. She guessed that she may be luckier than she was as a child and hoped that things would only get better.

  Harry

  Rosy cheeks

  And kisses forlorn

  Kat would chase

  A peasant and a thorn

  His darkness hidden

  By a light so bright

  As his charming smile

  Melted away the fright

  Faces opposed

  Ever so much

  Save her soul

  For the Devil did touch

  The autumn night was bitter to the touch. Kat prepared for the shift ahead. She had received a letter from management last week stating that she was being moved to Dandelion house. At first glance, Kat had been disappointed as she was leaving her people behind, the people that she’d grown to love. Although unhappy in her job, Kat adored the residents whom which she cared for. They were the people that gave her life some meaning, a purpose.

  The care home has six houses, three general nursing, residential, mental health nursing, and disabilities. This house was for mental health nursing. The home was not old however, it had an eerie feeling to it, as if it had been around for decades, perhaps even a couple of centuries. The brickwork was still brown inside without chips or cracks, like new, the signs were not faded or weather worn, it was a place that was almost newly built, yet not so new at all. Artwork hung on the walls where they brightened up the place, each door a different colour, devised with numbers to make them look like front doors to houses. The corridor appeared like a street rather than a place of care. Files were stored in the office where residents couldn’t gain easy access, tables and chairs placed in neat rows where the residents would eat their meals in the dining area. Lounging chairs surrounding the main feature where they would watch their shows and films on, with a bookcase centred directly in the middle of the chairs holding copies of Tess of the D’Urbervilles and The Wasp Factory.

  She headed in to find he was already working, turning residents, alone, no bother staff were ‘used to it’. He looked at Kat, greeted her politely ‘Hello, how are you?’. Kat smiled wholeheartedly, it wasn’t often that a man looked in her eyes and smiled. She continued with her mission to get to know the new house she was assigned.

  ‘Hello!’ Kat said, greeting the short plump woman with dark hair who was wearing a navy uniform, indicating that she was the house manager. The woman turned sternly, looking right through her. No reply. Kat shivered as she felt her stomach turn. No one had ever been so rude to ignore her at first glance. She felt as if her world was corroding at the edge. How would she last in this house?

  ‘I’m Harry… Harry Burns’, said the man who had greeted Kat earlier. ‘Nice to meet you.’ The man was tall with an almost shaved head. He smiled at her, his brown eyes twinkling, charming to see. Kat felt her heart skip a beat as she turned to see his pale face lit and his welcoming seemed to reassure her that everything would run smoothly that night. That no problems would occur. She felt that she was safe almost. It had been a while since a man like Harry would look at Kat and truly twinkle before her. Truly seem to show generosity and care. A while since she had felt she could talk to a man, someone to open up to. Perhaps they would get on well and become good friends Kat thought.

  ‘Hi, I’m Kat… Kat Dine’, she claimed. ‘I can give you a hand with the residents!’

  ‘Sure’, he said.

  Kat and Harry headed towards room ten to assist the lady in blue to bed. Her name was Maureen. Kat kneeled to take the lady’s shoes off but as she did this, Maureen grabbed Kat’s hair and yanked. ‘OUCH!’ Cried Kat. Harry quickly unravelled Kat’s hair from Maureen’s hand and exclaimed ‘No! You do not do that’. Harry held the lady’s arms with what seemed great strength as Kat helped undress her. Kat had never seen anything like this before and immediately felt uneasy.

  ‘Is this necessary?’ She asked.

  ‘Well either I do this, or we get hurt’ retorted Harry.

  ‘I… I see’ stammered Kat. She wasn’t fully sure on whether they could do these things and she wasn’t sure who to ask either. There was something about Harry’s tone that seemed aggressive and domineering. Kat instantly felt like a child being tol
d off for messing with a plug socket.

  ‘Rule one.’ Said Harry, ‘What happens on Dandelion House stays on Dandelion House. If you have a problem, you come to me. You don’t go to the managers as I can resolve the issue.’ He claimed. ‘If you do go to managers I will find out and you will be in trouble having words with me and Norma the house manager.’ Kat wasn’t sure what to say. In fact, she was shocked and felt a little uneasy. Harry didn’t seem to be all that twinkle-eyed after all, yet there was something about his manner that sparked interest in Kat. Who was this man? Why did he claim such statements? What was he to the manager? Had he said something about her to Norma to cause her to look straight through Kat? What could he say, he didn’t know her? Did him and Norma have something between them that would be deemed as unprofessional? Kat cared a lot for professionalism, in fact, she aimed to be as professional as she could and care for the residents to her utmost standard. However, sometimes anxieties and depression would hold her back from putting all her strength towards things such as the moment she was currently experiencing.‘Agreed?!’ Harry was getting a little flustered now and persisted Kat to answer in agreement. She nodded slightly as she wasn’t sure what to do if an issue happened to rise. Harry no longer seemed the kind man he first appeared when he greeted her. However, he smiled again twinkling and somehow it made Kat relax and feel reassured. What was it about this man she wondered.

  ‘Good I’m glad that we have an understanding’. Harry’s tone dropped a note as he said the word ‘understanding’, he said this with such a smirk on his face that Kat didn’t quite understand what he meant, she just giggled nervously. Kat hadn’t wanted to question Harry, there was something about the way he said these things that gave an uneasy vibe. He held a lot of confidence and pride in his gestures and work. He seemed to have a way about him that could make anything happen. A strong sense of passion, someone who could convince the world to turn against the Prime minister. Someone who gave off an omnipotent vibe. Kat wished for an easy life, to meet find someone special, get on with everyone and feel as if she were valued. It wasn’t that easy though, not with the trauma she had faced and not with how incompetent she was with asserting herself as well as situations that blew her way. Kat was socially anxious, she wanted to please people and help them in every way she could. This seemed to make her vulnerable and Harry seemed to notice.